A Day in the Life of a Trump Apologist

7:00 A.M. – Call lawyer at home. See if any progress has been made getting out of that deal with Satan.

7:15 A.M. – Shower.

7:30 A.M. – Breakfast on the raw meat of a freshly killed puppy.

7:45 A.M. – Shower.

8:00 A.M. – Dress in medium blue suit with solid, extra-long tie.

8:30 A.M. – Head for work, stopping at the gym to shower.

9:00 A.M. – Arrive at the office. Demean every one of the support staff. Assign unreasonable amount of work to take credit for later.

9:05 A.M. – Memorize talking points faxed over from Fox News.

9:15 A.M. – Call lawyer. Instruct lawyer to offer the souls of the innocent children of the staff to Satan in exchange for getting out of the deal.

9:30 A.M. – Shower.

9:45 – 11:00 A.M. – Respond to government emails on government account.

11:00 – 11:30 A.M. – Respond to secret emails on private account.

11:45 A.M. – Review Russian language lesson.

11:55 A.M. – Check in with Russian Embassy for last-minute instructions.

12:00 P.M. – Lunch with Satan. You have the turkey club. Satan has human sacrifice selected at random from the rolls of people dropped from the Affordable Care Act.

1:00 P.M. – Shower.

1:15 P.M. to 3:00 P.M. – Appear on CNN and recite today’s talking points. Shout at anyone who disagrees. Use slogans liberally often.

3:15 P.M. – Shower. Twice.

3:30 – 4:30 P.M. – Yell at staff, then assign enough work to keep them there until 9:00 P.M.

5:00 P.M. – Go home. Shower.

6:00 P.M. – Hunt and kill pre-wounded lamb for supper. Use blood for war paint while dancing around a fire naked.

7:00 P.M. – Don’t shower.

7:15 – 10:00 P.M. – Watch Fox News. Appear on a Fox News segment via Skype for one last airing of the day’s talking points.

10:00 – 11:00 P.M. – Make prank calls to mayors in Puerto Rico on their satellite phones. Tell them water is on the way. When they say thanks, shout “Psyche!” and hang up.

11:00 P.M. – 1:00 A.M. – Watch late-night TV with Satan. Beg to be let off the deal. Secretly laugh at Stephen Colbert and Jimmy Kimmel. Shower in self-loathing.

1:05 – 7:00 A.M. – Sleep hanging upside down in the cave under the garage.




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