7:00 A.M. – Call lawyer at home. See if any progress has been made getting out of that deal with Satan.
7:15 A.M. – Shower.
7:30 A.M. – Breakfast on the raw meat of a freshly killed puppy.
7:45 A.M. – Shower.
8:00 A.M. – Dress in medium blue suit with solid, extra-long tie.
8:30 A.M. – Head for work, stopping at the gym to shower.
9:00 A.M. – Arrive at the office. Demean every one of the support staff. Assign unreasonable amount of work to take credit for later.
9:05 A.M. – Memorize talking points faxed over from Fox News.
9:15 A.M. – Call lawyer. Instruct lawyer to offer the souls of the innocent children of the staff to Satan in exchange for getting out of the deal.
9:30 A.M. – Shower.
9:45 – 11:00 A.M. – Respond to government emails on government account.
11:00 – 11:30 A.M. – Respond to secret emails on private account.
11:45 A.M. – Review Russian language lesson.
11:55 A.M. – Check in with Russian Embassy for last-minute instructions.
12:00 P.M. – Lunch with Satan. You have the turkey club. Satan has human sacrifice selected at random from the rolls of people dropped from the Affordable Care Act.
1:00 P.M. – Shower.
1:15 P.M. to 3:00 P.M. – Appear on CNN and recite today’s talking points. Shout at anyone who disagrees. Use slogans
3:15 P.M. – Shower. Twice.
3:30 – 4:30 P.M. – Yell at staff, then assign enough work to keep them there until 9:00 P.M.
5:00 P.M. – Go home. Shower.
6:00 P.M. – Hunt and kill pre-wounded lamb for supper. Use blood for war paint while dancing around a fire naked.
7:00 P.M. – Don’t shower.
7:15 – 10:00 P.M. – Watch Fox News. Appear on a Fox News segment via Skype for one last airing of the day’s talking points.
10:00 – 11:00 P.M. – Make prank calls to mayors in Puerto Rico on their satellite phones. Tell them water is on the way. When they say thanks, shout “Psyche!” and hang up.
11:00 P.M. – 1:00 A.M. – Watch late-night TV with Satan. Beg to be let off the deal. Secretly laugh at Stephen Colbert and Jimmy Kimmel. Shower in self-loathing.
1:05 – 7:00 A.M. – Sleep hanging upside down in the cave under the garage.