Trump decries lack of “paper towel gun” during visit to Puerto Rico

Earlier today, American president and hobbyist oceanographer Donald J. Trump crossed part of a “very big ocean” to visit the hurricane-ravaged island of Puerto Rico for a first-hand survey of the damage and relief efforts.

The visit began with a roundtable discussion in which local and federal officials were called upon to heap praise upon Trump and the federal government for its decidedly tepid and lackluster response to the worst disaster to ever hit the American territory.

Trump compared the situation in Puerto Rico unfavorably with Hurricane Katrina, which he called a “real disaster.” He also praised Hurricane Maria for its relatively small death toll. At last count, Puerto Rico has certified the loss of sixteen residents as a result of the storm. Over 1,800 people lost their lives in Hurricane Katrina and its aftermath.

Many areas of Puerto Rico are incommunicado and have not yet had contact with FEMA personnel. Although unavailable at the time of publication, the death toll has since risen on the stricken island.

The president did not hesitate to point out that the tragedy in Puerto Rico was throwing the budget of the United States “out of whack.” He did not discuss ways of aiding Puerto Rico that would be “in whack.”

After a sufficient number of locals kissed the presidential ring, Trump took time out of his five-hour visit to help to distribute badly needed relief supplies by tossing paper towels into a crowd.

Complaining of a tired arm from a weekend of golfing, the president asked if a paper towel gun could be obtained to facilitate the distribution of life-saving two-ply paper fiber rags. When informed that no such thing exists, the president suggested unwinding the rolls until they would fit into a t-shirt or potato gun.

Tomorrow the president plans to visit Las Vegas, the site of the worst mass shooting in American history. A discussion of gun control is the top item on the list of things he won’t be talking about.

 

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